Under the knife...

Such a scary phrase isn't it? "I'm going under the knife!" I suppose there are quite a few less intimidating ways to describe surgery but for some reason this one comes to my mind first. Maybe because in my young life I have experienced this service far too often? Probably. To me, its just another procedure to attempt to fix something else n my body that malfunctioned. Typical day in my world. Yet there is something about THIS time that has my brain all sorts of haywire...and I'll tell ya why ;)

Wednesday October 9th, 2013. Yes, three days from now, will be the day that changes my life forever! I will be undergoing a major surgery including a Full Pancreatectomy AND a Sleeve Gastrectomy at the same time. YEP you heard that correct these two fairly extensive surgical procedures will be done simultaneously. Now I didnt even know that I could survive without a pancreas as I think I may have mentioned in my last blog post. However, I was informed that this is completely possible and while not ideal, its my best and only option at this point. Dr. Ryan Holbrook at Cancer Care Northwest performed my distal pancreatectomy a few years ago so naturally he will be doing this procedure as well. He truly is one skilled and amazing surgeon and I am lucky to have him in my corner but even more than that he is a wonderful man with the best bedside etiquette there is! I couldn't be happier with him working on me and feel blessed to have the best. As for the Sleeve part of it, Dr Mathew Rawlins at Deaconess Health Education Center (DHEC) Weight Loss Surgical Group, will be taking on that end of things. I have met with him before a few years ago discussing weight loss surgery (WLS) and it was decided it wasn't the right time for me to go through with it then. So when I walked into my first appointment with Dr Holbrook discussing the 'asshole' lesions that have grown once again on whats left of my pancreas he excused himself from the room and made a few phone calls apparently. When he returned to the room as my mom and I anxiously awaited inside holding hands, it was no more than 5 minutes that he was gone before he came in with this "plan of attack" that nearly put me to tears! In that short time he had spoken with Dr. Rawlins along with my endocrinologist and formed this life changing plan to kill two birds with one stone so to speak...and even though I had only seen Dr Rawlins the one consultation he remembered me and my situation and immediately agreed to the plan! I couldn't believe what I was hearing nor could my mama :) the opportunity of a lifetime just landed on my front steps and I was too shocked and grateful for words at that point. Especially since not only do I trust and adore Dr Holbrook but Dr Rawlins too? How lucky am I? He is one of the best at what he does and he too has the most amazing beside manner on the planet! Makes me feel like someone worth for a better life and a real person not just a test subject. I really couldn't have a better team of doctors if I wanted too!

At this point it has been a month since I was first in that office getting word that I was about to go through a monumental surgery. I have successfully completely all of my pre-op testing and office visits required before the big day. The greatest thing about WLS is they pretty much give you all the tools and lay out an entire program for you to live by before during and after this procedure. Unless you stubbornly drift away from this regimen you simply have everything you need to be successful if you want to be. And boy do I WANT TO BE...more than that I NEED TO BE and WILL BE!! I have learned that less is more already and even with my inconsistent and frankly shitty diet I have been on the past 9 months it wasn't at all difficult to drink a protein shake 2 times a day and a high protein meal nor has it been challenging to drink just the shakes and skip the meal altogether. I have been proudly doing very well on the pre-op requirements and even though I wasn't allotted the preferred amount of time to properly do everything it entailed I have managed to lose 13 pounds so far :) My goal was 15 before surgery and I am super close so wish me luck!!

When Wednesday morning shows up I know I am so very ready for this...yes, it is a fairly high risk procedure and yes, I am extremely nervous...however I have 100% faith and trust in my doctors and their surgical teams and I also have the man upstairs behind me, that comforts me as well. With God on my side I can do all things because he strengthens me. He already has given me two outstanding surgeons and the opportunity I could only dream of...there is a reason for that I believe. He knows my struggle better than anybody and I believe this is happening now for a reason as well...I wasn't ready before, not in the least bit. He knows that I now am at that point in my life where nothing else matters but this...right here...this. And ME. I matter most to me whereas before I didn't. Call it meant to be...I sure think so. There are also a few other folks up there with Him that love me and watch over me daily...momentary...that are rooting for me to succeed and they too will guide me through this unconditionally. I only ask those lucky enough to walk this earth with me presently to do the same! I could sure use all the prayer and support I can get and believe me I am so very grateful for what I have received so far!!! I am surrounded by greatness and love so big that I don't know how I could be so blessed :)

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13

...there is a reason this is and has always been my hero's favorite bible verse. Now I know what that is ;)

God Bless you all and THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for ALL you do! I would be lost without you...

War I Call Life

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising up every time we fall." 

Right now in this very moment of my life I couldn't possibly relate to that statement more! Not just in this moment either, for the last ten years I have lived by this mantra. Waking up one day, a sophomore in high school and an active member in athletics and academics, I never would have imagined my life taking the craziest most unpredictable bumpy road that I was about to embark on. So I had bad headaches and was a bit slow on the "becoming a woman" side of things, but none of that really meant too much to me with the exception of being in the hefty girls club at 16 and wanting to be trim and fit of course. For the most part I was a typical teenage girl, or so I thought, until one day a doctor decided to do an abdominal ultrasound just to check on things and my world as I knew it changed forever! 

Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Type 1 or MEN 1 became the basis of my existence for months as my family and I dove head first into research on this extremely rare, apparently genetic, disorder that I possess. Incurable. Yet manageable. Being that it was in my genetic make up there obviously was no way out of it so I quickly became aware that I had better wrap my head around accepting my fate and future because I didn't have much choice in the matter. At that young and impressionable age I all but had a mental breakdown thinking of the worst possible outcomes and disbelieving what the hell was just thrown at me out of nowhere! NOT FAIR! Was used daily in my vocabulary and selfishly I thought I had it the worst of anybody alive! Although now, at 27 years old, all of that seems like a lifetime ago and thankfully my outlook on my situation has humbled immensely. There are far worse off out there in this world and I am blessed to be alive today :) Still, at any age the word "tumor" will no doubt give most anybody chills when it is described growing on or in a persons body. It's foreign and unknown. That fear of the unknown is exactly what plagues your thoughts and mind, but to further my fears my special little growth aliens just happen to be a tad more complicated than others. Just my luck!

The Endocrine System in the body consists of three major parts including the pancreas, pituitary gland, and thyroid. Most MEN patients are effected in just one of these organs however, being the all star that I am my genes decided to go all or nothing and attack all three! Awesome. Aside from being on an unreal amount of medication to help balance the hormones and different levels in my body I still struggle to keep things in order, so to speak. The tumor attached to my pituitary gland in my head, although benign thank goodness, is treated through medication for stabilization and slow shrinkage due to it being inoperable as well as my low thyroid levels. Both of these causing their own lovely symptoms from chronic migraines to weight gain, low energy, and screwy hormone levels that sometimes think I am a nursing mother or with child. Obviously my own body doesn't know me very well because children are no where near my priority list of wants or needs let alone having sex to create them!! There simply is not enough space in my brain to even consider a relationship on top of my daily life battles. They are complicated and time consuming not to mention risky in some ways and I just cannot afford to babysit another human life...and yes that includes both babies AND men ;) Maybe someday...

Now for the real challenge that seems to be a recurrence currently: Pancreatic Polypeptide Tumors. These little suckers apparently are determined to make my already difficult life even more complicating. So very rare that there is minimal information about them including whether or not they are malignant. The only good thing so far seems to be that they don't metastasize like most cancerous tumors tend to. At least not so far anyway. A few years ago when the first one was found they were able to remove it along with three quarters of my pancreas and my spleen entirely, therefore inducing diabetes and diminishing my immune system all together. Yeah...that part sucks! BUT it had to be done. Recently during a routine endoscopic ultrasound two more of these lesions were found on whats left of my pancreas and as they say...here we go again. Although this time removal will be much more difficult due to the fact that I cannot live without some sort of pancreas and whats left of it must stay in tact. Whats next? Who the hell knows! I'm hoping I will have some sort of answer next week when I again meet with my surgeon from the first removal. Biopsy results are in the making as well and while I'm assuming they will turn up the same kind of growths as before, until then I'm as in the dark as ever. As much as the horrible C word scares the shit out of humanity and myself at times I cant quite tell just yet how I feel about it. What I do know for sure is Cancer Care Northwest is an amazing treatment facility with THE BEST staff available. I am lucky to be taken under their wings and cared for unconditionally. I believe that once I get a full picture of what my options are after seeing Dr Holbrook, my surgeon, and whichever Oncologist he recommends, that I may start to have more of an idea on how I feel about it all. My goal is to find peace and comfort within myself throughout this lifetime battle I have, and no doubt will continue, to fight eternally. I know that the blood that runs through my stubborn and abused veins is relentless and strong. I have lived a blessed life up to this moment and WILL live it every single damn day I wake up breathing to the most extent possible. Grateful as all hell for the extraordinary support system behind me in my family and friends who refuse to give up on me or allow me to fight alone. I could never ever express the amount of gratitude I have for them nor could I ever feel that I've shown enough appreciation for each person. I can only be the best I can be and never ever give up to show them and myself that I am in it to win it! To conquer and defeat each battle in this war I call life! 

"Individually we are strong, together we are unstoppable!" Imprinted on me forever as well as my hero and brother Bret...we live by these words and there are none truer that could be spoken in relation to my life,surrounded by unconditional love and unspeakable greatness, I WILL SURVIVE.

we dont change, we adapt

I'm going to try this again, but this time from the comfort of my own home! I don't need the surroundings of a hospital room and all of its glory to express myself! That being said, life has turned a corner for me in a least one good way...hospital free for a year now :) HUGE DEAL in my world and I'm proud to say it!!! Another couple of positives...tobacco&alcohol free as well! A necessity that has significantly improved my struggle and freed me of further body damage. Control what you can and adjust to what you cannot...a smart man once told me. Turns out he may have been on to something there...

Have you ever felt like if you just tried one last time, maybe something different this time, that it would suddenly all be worth the many attempts before and change for the better? This seems to be the consistent road in my life lately. I have come to the conclusion that "change" is a much more complex word than it appears to be. Seems simple enough really, when something goes from one way to another its considered changed. People, however, are much more complicated than that. When life as we know it evolves into something completely new and foreign us humans either accept and adapt or deny and remain. Myself personally chose at a very young age to have an open mind and to look outside the box! I feel like I have allowed myself opportunity to expand and grow this way where as someone like, my father, remains scrunched up tightly in his little box of security and comfort shielding him eternally from the bright lights just outside of it. I struggle with this daily!! I cannot seem to understand why a person would shut themselves off to something so great just because their fear of "change." You're missing out Pops!! And those like him! As frustrating as it is for me, I too have to learn to accept and adapt to him and its proven to be a very difficult task that I face daily. That refusal to accept causes many arguments and conflict in my home that severely gets to me, much worse sometimes than others. I wish I knew of a positive and healthy way to deal with my feelings toward this so my stress level stays as low as possible! I have come to terms with the fact that things will always be this way, HE will always be this way, BUT how in the world do I continue to live with this constant battle without ripping my hair out???? To be clear, I love my dad with my whole heart, its the liking him part that I struggle with. Sad truth right there...honesty hurts, but honest is all I know how to be!

Alderwood.Manor.Who?

Buzz Lightyear can fly...and Woody thinks he can too with the help of Buzz. I think they are toys and in reality they will fail everytime, however in fantasy land where toys are life-like and can do anything pretty much is where your imagination kicks in and anything in possible. I only wish I could live in that world for just a moment...or two :) Where imagination brought things to life and made them real...I would wish away so many poisons in my everyday life that I can only dream of being so clensed. Its nice to dream once in a while...even if it is impossible compared to what's real.

I have chosen a couple of my boys for the roles in these two characters...reason being they remind me on the daily what its like to have dreams and goals and fantasize a little bit to keep my brain working properly. Jason and Elliott each play a significant role in my life and although Jason has been around longer, Ell has made his mark on my heart as well.

Shay's Boys. I have quite a few. And I love them all very much. I find it twenty times easier to befriend and remain friends with boys than females everytime. I dont find it necessary to participate in the drama world of women and gossip. I am not going to lie to you...I LOVE to watch it happen around me on TV, real life, the works and I think that is because its free entertainment and I love to compare it to situations in my world just for analytical purposes haha. Its fun. And if you can honestly sit there and tell me that you dont even do such a thing...you're lying and for what reason? Who cares. lol. Anywayssssss...like I said I love my friendships with my boys. They are laid back and comfortable and they protect me like nobodies business. That and most of them...are loyal as an ox. That part is THE most important part for me...loyalty is a LARGE word in my vocabulary and I believe in every part of it 100%!! You have my back and I have yours...no matter what!! They are some of my best friends and I wouldnt trade any of them for the world..not even when we fight like siblings at times :) Its all part of the bond!

Reality Update: After spending a couple weeks at Deaconess...again...I was discharged from there to what I was told was a "skilled nursing facility" aka a Nursing Home. Due to my age and simply the fact that I was about to be dumped off to be somebody elses problem, I was not told exactly what to expect on purpose. Unfortunately I was under the impression it was semi-the same sort of deal as NIACH (North Idaho Advanced Care Hospital) was and I was sadly mistaken. As the driver picked me up last Tuesday I had a feeling something wasnt right when the music in the van playing was some remix song to Jamie Fox's hit "Blame It" which was creatively changed up and the chorus line went from "blame it on the alcohol" to "blame it on the ganja." yes it was quite catchy..yet disturbing. And I think it was worse because the next song was also a remix of a modern rap song transformed into a ballad about mary j....haha yeah. Anway so we pull up to the place called Alderwood Manor and from the outside it doesnt look to bad or anything with the exception of it is located in one of the most notorious parts of town comparable to Hillyard up North. So if you decide to visit me (which I would LOVE) please do so when it is light outside if you can make that happen...I do keep my window blinds closed for a reason ;) So. I get into this place and let me just say before I was even transferred I was told I would have my own room and everything would transfer from my chart at the hospital to the nursing home no problem. Not a chance in hell will I ever believe them when they say that every again...I was placed in a small corner of a room with a bed that I barely was able to roll over in it was so small. Cot sized pretty much. There was a cat roaming around the halls of this joint and it was 8pm and pretty much closed down for sleep. Which is typical at a Nursing Home...if I was prepared for that!!! With that being said the Nurses helping me that night were amazing and the people here have been very understanding and wonderful to me. They were the ones getting a panic attacked 24 year old to handle on top of everyone else in this place ages 60+. I want to remind you that by this time I was 2 hours late for my antibiotic drip and absolutely zero pain medication. I was hurting. I was scared. I was angry. I was confused. So many things were running through my mind as I sat there in a wheelchair staring at the wall tyring to figure out where to go at that point. All I knew was the hospital just dumped me and ran...not their problem anymore. Which was a load of bullshit if you ask me. Now these places also dont run on immediate response either...they are far more laid back and things dont need to be done at such a rapid pace. So...getting any sort of pain meds to stop the constant knife stabbing me in my chest and back was going to be damn near impossible. My poor nurse was working so hard to make me comfortable and had to be the one to break it to me that they discontinued my iv pain meds from the hospital and all I had available was a couple pain pills every four hours. If you know me at all and how my body works...which they dont...unfortunately...that medication at that dose is not going to cut it. I was absolutely miserable. The little fragile lady next to me just a curtain away was a sweetheart with a german accent that made her even more precious. She watches her daily soap opera at 12 noon every day and thats her excitement!! Shoot to be that old...anyway I woke up that morning with the worst migraine possible, not surprising considering the amount of stress from the night before, and the room was spinning. Little Irene was going right with it. And let me tell you when you feel like that, the LAST thing you want is to be mangled and touched in any way, so the assessment they preformed on me that morning was brutal! Vomited straight stomach acid right after...no surprise. Later that day the staff had found me a private room and cleaned it all up for me to move into...bless their hearts. I have been in here every since and much happier. Although I was bed ridden until just last friday due to the excruciating pain that I was still going through without proper medicaion. The house doc, Dr. Soan, only visits this place once a week...Friday. I had to wait 3 days for any relief. Longest week of my life by far. Hated where I was...just wanted to be home and to suffer like that there rather than in a place I am severely uncomfortable in. However, my insurance wanted me here and so here is where I had to stay. As Friday FINALLY came...it seemed as if I waited weeks. I was crawling to the bathroom at this point and sleeping/crying all day long. Dr Soan was very compromising and understanding to my situation...he submitted me for a Sub Q pain pump which has been a miracle worker ever since. I am able to go the bathroom regularly and participate fully in occupational and physical therapy. Strengthening my muscles!! Because at this point the last thing I want to happen is to get released home cold turkey from everything and be dead to the world. I want do things and get out of the house and walk a ways at least. The staff have been more than helpful here and I have to give them credit where it is due because like I said before they had nothing to do with the transfer screw up and thought they were just helping me out by giving me a place to be. The wretched sounds and smells that radiate throughout a home like this are almost unbearable at times. And when you truly think about what dark places some of these elderly folks are in...it breaks your heart. They cant possibly bring themselves on a high level of happiness because half of them are starving for support and attention and nobody comes. Its heartwrenching. Even if I'd rather be home suffering there, I cant help but feel bad for the ones that are forced to be here without option. Ive decided recently that instead of pushing to go home tomorrow like the original plan was on home health care I am going to finish it out here and go next Friday. Smarter decision under mutual agreement between I, the social worker, and mom. Blessing in disguise is the fact that I recently have picked up Medicare as my primary and United falls to my secondary insurance. This way it pays for things due to my disability that other plans wouldnt even consider! And the case workers here are phenominal, we havent been able to figure out this insurance business due to the confusion and no time to do it. So them taking care of all of this for us has been awesome!!! They even got me a wheelchair of my own so I can have that while I recover and keep it forever...cuz lord knows I will need it again someday. This way however, we are set and dont have to scramble to find a way to get me out of the house without overdoing it. So as of right now I am one positive girl! Working on finding an Internest and/or a Pain Specialist to be able to follow me when I go through this situation again and wont have issues with transfer what so ever. I am content as far as healing goes and a week out from finishing the 6 weeks of antibiotics...FINALLY! I am really looking forward to heading to San Jose in a couple weeks after this with Mama and Pops for Bret's Nationals Tournament. We are making it a family vacation and I would hate to miss out. So pray for me to have everything taken care of by then as it is looking pretty good so far :)

R.I.P
Emelyn Stai
Kenneth Stai
Patricia Ann Kellogg
Kenneth Thiefault Sr.

Being here..in a place such as this..makes you remember the old times with the people that I adore so much that have passed on to heaven. The smells, the environment, the pain...it's all there and it's hard sometimes. Tears have broken I wont lie.......all I can do is pray that I will live as good of a life as these amazing people have done and that I will someday be remembered as somewhat of a fighter, an inspiration, give hope, and share love with those that mean the most :)

Safety Valves

What a weekend. I think it was definitely one of the most emotional weekends I've had in a long while. Lots of things happening and triggering tears in all different directions. A very wise person just recently reminded me that "tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it." I greatly appreciated that quote because I completely believe in it's meaning. I dont like to cry very much but I have learned that they are the healthiest way to allow yourself to release the feelings inside of you that are built up and just waiting to be let out. Lets just say I opened that safety valve this weekend and it stayed open for most of it...my sissy, Jenelle Christine Bushy, and her parents lost their doggie Lexi on Saturday night :( Lexi Lou was a beautiful golden retriever and she LOVED being loved. "Louey" was her nickname from her mama and she was a big sister to Miley, whom is 2 years younger than her and is going to miss Lex like crazy. Lots of love to Miley for a while is going to be the best medicine!! All I know is my sissy and her mom and dad are very strong individuals and loved their Lex and still adore Miley girl and will show her the amount of love she will need to get through this as well as sharing it with each other. I am here for them as well as I was also very close to Lex and will miss her deeply. God Bless you in Doggie Heaven Lexi Bell Bushy. RIP.

As for me...well things could be better but they also could be worse!! That's how I have to think of it to stay sane in these situations. The picc line inserted in to my right arm the last time I was hospitalized could have potentially been part of or THE reason for the infected valve in heart. Tricuspid Valve to be specific. So they removed that the other day and re-placed it into my left arm. All was good! Until...that line became clotted. I knew it was right away too. The pain from clotting is so extreme even with a large pain tolerance that I have built over time. Basically sitting here and typing doesnt put much strain on it but my arm is immobile at the very least. I cant wait until 2pm today when they plan on pulling the thing out of there!!! On the not so bright side of things I still need some sort of access to my veins...so the next step is an IJ catheter; or a central line as they call it. Its just like a picc line but inserted directly into my jugular vein in my neck. Yeah im just THRILLED as you can hear the sarcasm in my words. Ha. My body just does not like me very much I dont think. But I already knew that!! :) Just gotta push it and keep on truckin with all this crap or I will never get anywhere or anywhere near better than I am now.

The other stuff...is coming along very slowly. My white blood cell count is creepin its way back down and that tells me that the infection is starting to get under a decent amount of control. My sugars are still quite high and arent budging much so we are still working on getting the right amount of insulin injections so that I can function properly without the side affects of those causing my recovery process lots of speedbumps. Also the infection in my heart is slowly being treated with the IV antibiotic im still on; Vanco. I should be 0n this dose for about 6 weeks total and Ive been on it for a week now. No need for surgery on that as far as we know...soon as we can get my heart healthy again we will go ahead and do the PET scan on my lungs to diagnose the mass that was found there as well. Hoping for the best results there also...there are three different options of what it could be according to Dr E, the Pulminary specialist: A. part of the blood clot already located in my lung that broke off...B. a piece of the infection vegetation in my heart that broke away and traveled into my lung...and lastly C. a tumor. This test they will do is a contrast dye test that they inject into my veins and if indeed I do have a tumor and it is cancerous the contrast will light it up inside. Definitely dont want the light this time ;) so no lights in your prayers my friends...NO LIGHT :) I will not being undergoing this for a few more weeks at least as we are treating the heart condition first fully. I will keep everyone informed through here or on my facebook of course.

Other than all of that here I sit...bored as shit. I hate TV so I dont watch it. It gives me the worst headache anyway...lights also are dim and my fan is blowing at all times as I hate the light and cannot stand when my room is burning up and im sweating. Just sitting here...my body is so effed hormone-wise that I will sweat for no damn reason. Bite me!!! Ugh lol. And the cleaning lady is in my room at this moment cleaning AROUND me...just pushing shit aside and saying she deep cleaned and steralized my room. HA right. Oh well they are annoying to have in here in the first place....last night she came in a Jason and Sareya were here and she makes you so uncomfortable at all times. "Lift your feet so I can mop under you!" Like really? Get outta here...rudeness!! I may also have neighbor down the hall from me that may or may not think she is being attacked my imaginary evil things. "Get off of me!! Let me go!! Let me out of here!! I hate you!!" ALL DAY LONG the other day...even with my door shut I could hear it all plain as day!! It was like a moment straight out of a horror movie...I admit I was entertained however. Poor soul.

As of lately I want to thank everyone that has made it up to see me as well as the ones that are continuing to pray for me at home!! That means just as much to me and I hope you know that!! Mama, Pops, Brother, Princess, Sissy, Ashbaby, Pammy J, Rick&Tris, Lisa&Greg, Denise, Jason&Sareya, Gram&Gramps, Mama and Mike Greenwell && Alisha via her friend Ginny...I love you all!! ♥ You did not have to make the trip here and you did and for that I am forever grateful. The facebook posts and comments and the many many prayers out there going around for me are also greatly appreciated!! Keep it up Im not all better just yet!! Still need ya. Much love family and friends ♥

Broken.Hearts.Still.Beat.

Well it's February of 2011 and still here I sit, once again, in a hospital bed at Deaconess Medical Center. I cant exactly tell you how many times this has been the case, however I can say that it has been more times than I want to count. This diagnoses on the other hand...is new. Scary. Complicated. Severe. Life threatening. Disturbing. Confusing. Detrimental. & Mind altering. There are so many feelings running through my brain these days it makes sleeping damn near impossible and breathing a work of a marathon runner. Walking to the bathroom 7 ft from my bed is difficult at this point...and that even scares the shit out of me. Literally. Every time my door flies open because the nurse has me on constant monitoring and it flags her immediately when my heart rate jumps to a certain rate. "Are you okay why is ur heart rate up?!?!?!" "Im fine. Just peeing!" haha sort of entertaining yet completely sad at the same time. How did this happen you might ask? So do I. Everyday. Nobody seems to know. Im not really sure that anybody ever will know exactly why things happen to me the way they do and accepting unanswered questions is one of my many frustrations in life. However, I do have a fairly interesting health history and am told I am "a very complicated lady" just about every other day from some new physician that I see. Im used to it you could say. All I know is, right now my most important organ in my body is defective in some way and the doctors nor I could tell you how to go about treating this problem effectively. As usual I have stumped them. This will for sure take some serious brain power and configuration within a few specialists here and there to make some pretty detrimental decisions as to how to save a few more years of my life. When Im asked how I feel about it all...I honestly couldnt tell you yet. Im numb some might say. Just dont really feel anything right now. I think it may be for the best though because it is keeping me stronger and getting me through to the next day without completely losing it. I am not naive enough to think that day will never come along this road, but for now I'd like to sit tight and let it roll.

Funny thing is I came into this hospital back in January and was admitted with a white count of 30K. Normal=4-10k. BUT WE ALL KNOW THATS JUST NOT ME!!! haha. Naw my normal is about 14-16k. I dont have a spleen remember? Yeah so that sucks. But either way...A or B ;)...30k is outrageous. And screams INFECTION somewhere in the body INFECTION! Like a big ass red stoplight flashing in your face...and if you dont see it you are most definitely clinically blind. Back then, in January, I was diagnosed with a serious blood infection that was attacking my whole body in one way or another along with lower left lobe pneumonia. Great. Supposably the infection entered my body through whats called a Hickman Port...which was the catheter inserted into my chest wall that was left there for months from a previous visit "in case" I were to need immediate access if something bad were to happen. My veins suck. IVs infiltrate in a matter of 3o minutes. Not worth the battle. So it seemed legit right? Wrong. It wasnt the fact that it was the access point for the infection, it was the fact that nobody had cared to warn me intensely that it was possible and that leaving in a catheter with that much access could potential damage me further. Knowing everything you do about me...Im sure at least most of you could say confidently "Shay doesnt have a spleen, therefore no immune system." And you arent doctors. You dont see my 1000 page chart any time you please. They do. Yet didnt seem to find it necessary to consider the fact that I may be at a higher risk of infection leaving a direct line out in the open like that...weird. Anyway, after being treated for a week on the only antibiotic I am NOT allergic too yet the most potent one there is out there (vancomycin) I was sent home to recover. Yeah that worked out well...oh and they took out my Hickman Port because obviously it was doing nothing but making things worse and inserted a picc line into my arm. Not new. Very used to those.

Present day, here I sit. Infected yet again. From what? Who the hell knows. My original admission was for the findings of PEs (blood clots) in my lungs. Two large beauities just chillin right there on the ol' breathing machines. Makes it sort of difficult. And painful. So as you can imagine the knowledge of this turning into a much bigger issue such as, oh I dont know, Heart Failure...MIGHT be just a bit overwhelming. Oh and there is a third mass on one of my lungs that has nothing to do with any of this and could possibly be cancerous.

All in a half hour on Tuesday. Lets just say...its beeen ruff. No tears yet. No mental breakdowns. No panic attacks. Like I said. Just numb. And thats okay for me. For now. Hoping to get down to some business today and get a plan in action after these doctors of mine collaborate. That might be nice eh? Just a thought. Or I could just chill here and get to know the other half of the hospital staff that I havent met and or be-friended along my journey here. Made some good buddies I must admit. First name basis and all I am still determined to one day own a wing of this hospital and call it "Shay's Wing of Love" that might be nice? I think so. Someday...

Updates soon. ♥

I.Love.Your.Face

Fuck it. I didnt want to start writing in this blog again because that would mean I was hospitalized with nothing else to do but this...so much for that wish. Here I am again, Deaconess Medical Center room 703, writing in this blog that I was sure was going to be put on hold for a long time...wrong again. However, this visit I am not so unhappy Ive come to realize. After surgery this time I woke up from anesthesia with a whole new attitude on life. Why waste it? Why dwell on the things you cant control and why not be the bigger person about the things you can...there really is no reason for holding a grudge and even though it hurt at the time its the past. Its never gonna come back around for a redo. Thats not how life works. You cant erase time nor can you unhear the cruel things people say or undo the awful actions people take. Everything we do in life has a purpose at some point down the road...we just dont know it at the time. And sometimes it doesnt come back around until much much time has past. That right there can be a blessing or a curse pending the situation. I figure that the more grudges I hold and the more enemies I end up making because of them or because of my stubborn selfish ass the less time I will have to think about the good things in life and what makes me a better person. I do believe that I would rather have less friends that are loyal and kind than more that are fake and inconsiderate. SO instead of evaluating every relationship I have at the moment I have decided to let things fall where they do and hold nothing against anyone at this point. The people that love and appreciate me will go nowhere...the ones that could give two shits less can keep walking and its not really my concern anymore. I dont want friendships that are based on how you rate in this world or who you know. Im not here to further yourself in the standings. I cant worry about myself and how I live my life if I am constantly putting others in front of me. I tend to do this ALOT and find myself wallowing in self pity alot of the time because I give too much to the ones ungrateful. If you know me you know that I struggle at life...in almost every way possible. Its nobodies fault, partially not even mine. There are mistakes I have made in my past that I do wish I would have handled differently or better but I have no regrets either. Every single mistake is a learning experience no matter what the severity....alot of times that is very hard to accept at the time and even harder for the loved ones around you that want better for you. But like I said before, those actions cannot be undone once they have taken place. A strong and independent person has confidence in those mistakes and takes ownership and responsibility for every single action and every single word that exits their body. I respect and confide in those types of people. I attract to them. Simply because that is the person I strive to be every day of my life. My health issues and my daily routine are extensive to some and measly to others. The day I reach out for pity is the same day I become ashamed of myself. There are others in this world that suffer far worse times than I do on a daily basis. I may still be fighting an uphill battle but its nothing I cant overcome each time. And honestly each time it becomes just a bit easier to conquer. Knowing what to expect and having a plan before hand makes it that much less difficult to go to war with. I sit here in this room in my bed nurses come in and out checking my vital signs and making sure I have everything I need to be comfortable with my best friend and biggest pain in my ass sleeping next to me on a cott that she finds more comfy than her own bed...

Ashley Bre-Ann Varner. The past few months have been rough on the both of us. Her mostly. She has a hard time living her life the simplest way possible because simple she is not. Have you ever loved a boy or a man and thought they were going to save you from yourself? That is the only way I can describe my best friend to the fullest extent. I have known this child for many years as our families are very close. Her dads sister married my dads uncle if that makes any sense to you ;) Not technically related but might as well be. It wasnt until this year when racing season started back in the spring when we first started hanging out and getting closer as friends. I soon came to realize just how broken she really is inside and with "saving you" being my nature I attached myself to her immediately. Her parents divorced when she was very young and she has lived her life between them. Being loved is something she longs for the most in her life and is very much loved by many people in both sides of her family. However, she looks for it in all the wrong places. From a boy who cant seem to figure out his own life, from a man who hasnt yet let go of his first love and has no intention of finding another just yet, from boys not yet matured into men, and from men not willing to make the transformation from their youth. She will not find the love she needs in those places and getting her to see that and to realize she is better than that is the tough part. The attention she longs for is deeper than what shows on the surface and once she figures out that she doesnt NEED anything from anyone she will be strong as ever. What she wants and what she needs are very two different things and should not be confused with one another...her loneliness proves that she has convinced herself that without the security of somebody else she cannot function on her own. My goal is to break her of that nasty habit she has developed and help her find herself. Believe me it hasnt been easy and I high doubt its going to be a smooth ride from here on out...but I am 100% willing to take that rollercoaster by the balls and ride it with her until it straightens out. She sleeps with me every night...I make her feel safe. Or so mom says :) But I believe I do as well. She can take naps and be completely confortable by my side where as she goes home and the minute she gets there she realizes shes alone and the depression kicks in. I am more than willing to be her backbone and her major support system but I need to get her to the point where she realizes its not me that she feels safe and comfortable with. She is doing that all on her own...I am just here to make sure she doesnt fall too hard ;) Heres too a few more nights in this hospital room and some more pain and agony for us both...but together we can get through anything I know it.

Shaybaybay ♥ my Hott Mess :)