War I Call Life

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising up every time we fall." 

Right now in this very moment of my life I couldn't possibly relate to that statement more! Not just in this moment either, for the last ten years I have lived by this mantra. Waking up one day, a sophomore in high school and an active member in athletics and academics, I never would have imagined my life taking the craziest most unpredictable bumpy road that I was about to embark on. So I had bad headaches and was a bit slow on the "becoming a woman" side of things, but none of that really meant too much to me with the exception of being in the hefty girls club at 16 and wanting to be trim and fit of course. For the most part I was a typical teenage girl, or so I thought, until one day a doctor decided to do an abdominal ultrasound just to check on things and my world as I knew it changed forever! 

Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Type 1 or MEN 1 became the basis of my existence for months as my family and I dove head first into research on this extremely rare, apparently genetic, disorder that I possess. Incurable. Yet manageable. Being that it was in my genetic make up there obviously was no way out of it so I quickly became aware that I had better wrap my head around accepting my fate and future because I didn't have much choice in the matter. At that young and impressionable age I all but had a mental breakdown thinking of the worst possible outcomes and disbelieving what the hell was just thrown at me out of nowhere! NOT FAIR! Was used daily in my vocabulary and selfishly I thought I had it the worst of anybody alive! Although now, at 27 years old, all of that seems like a lifetime ago and thankfully my outlook on my situation has humbled immensely. There are far worse off out there in this world and I am blessed to be alive today :) Still, at any age the word "tumor" will no doubt give most anybody chills when it is described growing on or in a persons body. It's foreign and unknown. That fear of the unknown is exactly what plagues your thoughts and mind, but to further my fears my special little growth aliens just happen to be a tad more complicated than others. Just my luck!

The Endocrine System in the body consists of three major parts including the pancreas, pituitary gland, and thyroid. Most MEN patients are effected in just one of these organs however, being the all star that I am my genes decided to go all or nothing and attack all three! Awesome. Aside from being on an unreal amount of medication to help balance the hormones and different levels in my body I still struggle to keep things in order, so to speak. The tumor attached to my pituitary gland in my head, although benign thank goodness, is treated through medication for stabilization and slow shrinkage due to it being inoperable as well as my low thyroid levels. Both of these causing their own lovely symptoms from chronic migraines to weight gain, low energy, and screwy hormone levels that sometimes think I am a nursing mother or with child. Obviously my own body doesn't know me very well because children are no where near my priority list of wants or needs let alone having sex to create them!! There simply is not enough space in my brain to even consider a relationship on top of my daily life battles. They are complicated and time consuming not to mention risky in some ways and I just cannot afford to babysit another human life...and yes that includes both babies AND men ;) Maybe someday...

Now for the real challenge that seems to be a recurrence currently: Pancreatic Polypeptide Tumors. These little suckers apparently are determined to make my already difficult life even more complicating. So very rare that there is minimal information about them including whether or not they are malignant. The only good thing so far seems to be that they don't metastasize like most cancerous tumors tend to. At least not so far anyway. A few years ago when the first one was found they were able to remove it along with three quarters of my pancreas and my spleen entirely, therefore inducing diabetes and diminishing my immune system all together. Yeah...that part sucks! BUT it had to be done. Recently during a routine endoscopic ultrasound two more of these lesions were found on whats left of my pancreas and as they say...here we go again. Although this time removal will be much more difficult due to the fact that I cannot live without some sort of pancreas and whats left of it must stay in tact. Whats next? Who the hell knows! I'm hoping I will have some sort of answer next week when I again meet with my surgeon from the first removal. Biopsy results are in the making as well and while I'm assuming they will turn up the same kind of growths as before, until then I'm as in the dark as ever. As much as the horrible C word scares the shit out of humanity and myself at times I cant quite tell just yet how I feel about it. What I do know for sure is Cancer Care Northwest is an amazing treatment facility with THE BEST staff available. I am lucky to be taken under their wings and cared for unconditionally. I believe that once I get a full picture of what my options are after seeing Dr Holbrook, my surgeon, and whichever Oncologist he recommends, that I may start to have more of an idea on how I feel about it all. My goal is to find peace and comfort within myself throughout this lifetime battle I have, and no doubt will continue, to fight eternally. I know that the blood that runs through my stubborn and abused veins is relentless and strong. I have lived a blessed life up to this moment and WILL live it every single damn day I wake up breathing to the most extent possible. Grateful as all hell for the extraordinary support system behind me in my family and friends who refuse to give up on me or allow me to fight alone. I could never ever express the amount of gratitude I have for them nor could I ever feel that I've shown enough appreciation for each person. I can only be the best I can be and never ever give up to show them and myself that I am in it to win it! To conquer and defeat each battle in this war I call life! 

"Individually we are strong, together we are unstoppable!" Imprinted on me forever as well as my hero and brother Bret...we live by these words and there are none truer that could be spoken in relation to my life,surrounded by unconditional love and unspeakable greatness, I WILL SURVIVE.