Peace.Love.Loyalty

Love, Life, & Loyalty. Those three words are symbolized in a this tattoo on my left wrist. Along with 4 stars representing important loved ones lost in my life that truly are my stars in the sky. Im doing my best to find each of these powerful words somewhere in my life right now so that maybe I can find my way back to happiness...my way home.

Peace. The meaning behind this word and what it represents is so very powerful. To be truly at peace is where most people aim whether they admit it that way or not. Nobody WANTS war. Critisizm. Heartbreak. Pain. Suffering. Etc. Those things happen whether we want them too or not because life happens. The illusion that life is this wonderful thing every single day smooth sailing with absolutely zero conflict is unrealisitic. Im gonna go ahead and be blunt here...sometimes...Shit Happens. Life sucks. And I know all of this and have come to terms with this very thing so many times it would make you sick to your stomach. I also know that there are worse off than me...those folks out there that deal with the shit of life daily as I do only in far worse conditions. I remind myself that every. single. day. of. my. life. I have too or I will go crazy...I think I already have? Idk. All I know is everyone has their own "peace" they are searching for. Most dont even realize they are searching for it but they are. And they will find it one day and it will all make sense to them like some sort of ephiphany. Those moments are truly beautiful to witness let me tell you...Ive seen it and my heart grows just a little bit more. It feels good. Have I experienced this personally? I dont think so...not yet. That is the journey I am on presently however...now more than ever. Ive spoken to this blog more words in the last ten minutes than I have to any single person in my life the last 3 days. Why? Because I figure my mind is not at peace. The things I have to say are not going to help you feel good about yourself right now. In fact they will more than likely make you feel awful because thats all I seem to rummage up to spit out of my mouth lately. Negative. Hatred. Remorse. Pity. Jealousy. Those are evil thoughts and unfortunately are the only things running around like spineless idiots inside this brain of mine. I am angry. I am confused. I am lost. To the furthest degree possible as of yet. Will I climb out of this hole I have dug myself so deep? Eventually. Is it fair to every person that loves me to have to wait? Hell No. Am I asking you to have patience with me? Yes. I would beg if it wasnt so pathetic. I know myself well enough to know that in time...I will heal my wounds and be rid of the not so positive thoughts swirling around my brain but for now...please...and yes Im begging now...leave me be. I know it kills some of you to watch me wallow in misery and not be able to help...believe me Ive been in your shoes....it fuckin hurts all over your heart. But Im asking you to trust me if you can and give me the space that Im requesting...if this just isnt possible for you because you are like me and stubborn stubborn soul there are ways to reach me without physically doing so. This is why I have email and facebook and even text messaging...but only that if you can control the amount sent. I may or may not answer you but know...just know I see it. And I feel it. And I appreciate it. I do. I just cannot open my heart to you as of now. I cant reply with good intentions as of now. It will come out wrong...and broken...and beaten...and insulting. YOU dont deserve that. I do love you. Very much. Which brings me to my next point...


Love. The strength within this word is beyond measure. And to tell you the honest truth that is what I seek in this trial period. I have said many times recently I have chosen to stop fighting back against the trials and tribulations the Lord above has put me in the ring with. I threw in the towel and in lamens terms I "gave up" the fight. I have always said I dont know how to give up and its not in my blood to do such a thing...see but the thing is that was when I KNEW things. That was when I was certain I was going to succeed and I had the faith to reassure myself that it was possible. Somewhere along the way I have lost sight of that certainty and in order to get back to where I was I need to find it again. This is why I have chose to just BE. No fighting. No searching. No crying out for help. Nothing. I figure this...if God has a plan for me and He loves me so much like I believe he does than He will prove it to me. I need to Him to show me he loves me and to give me some sort of a sign that I am supposed to be fighting this battle and there is a purpose to my struggle. I know I know...fight because of the people that love you...fight because I am the strongest person you know...fight because is the right thing to do!! Ive heard it all believe me...one hundred times over. You can tell me this every single waken day if you would like too and I will do with it what I have been doing on a daily basis...and that is shoving it aside. This is between me an God and those reasons have nothing to do with that. He loves me. Thats what they say...the pastor in church. The family that loves me. The people that dont know me yet still stop in once in a while to share their concern. He loves me. Then why dont I feel it? He needs to prove that to me. By Himself. You cant help him this time. Im too far gone for that. Im sorry...I truly am. But if you love me like you say you do...I do believe that you will be there to hug me and cry with me at the end of this journey...if there is an end. Irony is...I do believe there is an end...and thats because if I didnt...I wouldnt continue to wake up every morning breathing.


Loyalty. The blood running through these veins could not be filled with this to any more extreme. If you share this blood of mine I promise to forever protect you in whatever way possible for all eternity. That will never change for me. No matter how low I feel or whatever path I am on the meaning behind this word is forever imprinted in my brain and pumping at the highest frequency there is. That is a fact. For those that do not share in my blood line but have crossed my path and gained my love you too fit into this category. I am dead serious about the meaning behind this term and am stubborn as an ox when it is questioned. Crossing me and disrespecting that belief of mine will light a fire under my stubborn selfish ass and you will not want to be on the other end of the boxing ring. Metaphorically. I do not put up with egotistical pieces of shit that mess with the flame that ignites that fury within me. That being said...I will forever protect whom shares that loyalty to me. I may not be there physically or mentally for that matter during this period of time BUT know this...I am watching. Waiting. Debating. Remembering. I will be there for you...I dont know when or how and I cant promise anything. But I never forget. If asking you to wait for me is far too much pressure to put on you I cant ask you to do so. What I can ask is that you consider it...some of you this will be no problem and its that unconditional love that keeps you around for as long as it takes. No questions asked. For others...this is a joke to you. Not worth your time. And to those people...goodbye. I promise I wont shed one single tear as you go....


I swear to you I still have lots of love to give and my heart is full of everything it once was. I am the true meaning to "giving rather than receiving" because my ultimate goal in life was to help you. You before I always. I still believe that. And maybe thats why this is so hard for me to understand right now. I before You. Maybe in the alphabet its relevant but in my life not so much. I cant understand it and I cant make sense of it but I do know that its the right thing to do for my life to proceed. If I dont focus on me and healing the broken mess of a person I have become I will never be able to successfully be there for you. And if that is my purpose in life and the reason I wake up everyday...I sure as hell cant be function properly in the state im in now. I help people. I heal hearts. I support success. I advise that "next step" your gonna take. Its what I do. Its what I live for....however if ive lost sight of why im supposed to BE. I cant do those things successfully or at all the way I intend too.


So Lord thou art in heaven...I am going to Be. And I pray to you today to show me the Love and the reason I am still here on earth. Make me believe I have a purpose again. Open my eyes to why I live each day the way I do and why I have to battle the painful and miserable life long fight I have been given. Show me you love me. Show me I am supposed to be doing all this. Show me hope...I ask today to allow me to find peace. My Peace. Amen.