One.Thing.After.Another

I put this dress back on today...same one I wore pretty much the whole time in the hospital. Sadly...it comforts me. Unfortunately I am more comfortable in the that stupid place...it makes me sad all over inside because its the honest truth. Im comfortable. Im safe. Im painless. Im home :(

Idk what else to say about that. It is what it is.

I went on a drive yesterday...first drive Ive been on in a very long time. By myself. Windows down. Music flowing very loud...loud enough so that I cannot hear anything but the lyrics. Nothing else mattered. Just me and road and the music. I felt the most free Ive felt in over a month. Except I came home to the same old thing...its always the same old thing. Everytime. I know its not the reason for my unhappiness but it sure doesnt help. Repetition is not helping me. Maybe I need a change in scenary...maybe that doesnt matter and Im being dramatic? I really dont know...and I dont know if I care. Do I? I dont know much anymore. Im rambling just to ramble. I saw a sign yesterday on my drive to nowhere..."jesus loves you" in a yard. I admire the strength and confidence in the people that live in that home. I wish without a doubt in the world I felt the same. I have confidence that I will someday...however...

Woke up with a migraine the size of Texas today...still got some of it. Im not sure why I am being constantly trialed but it sure isnt helping my journey here. One thing after another. I cant help myself when I cant move to do it. Tried taking a bath...that worked for a whole ten minutes. I cant win. Now I realize life isnt supposed to be easy...but is it supposed to be this damn hard? All the time? Do I ever get a break? I know I know these are unanswered questions Im asking. But dammit I cannot help myself to get better when I cant think to do it...the constant throb on one or both sides of my head dont allow it. Another day in hell...thanks.