This.Tree.Heals

...One Tree Hill. This show saves me sometimes...crazy as it sounds I love it so much. When I feel sick or my emotions are running too strong I watch this show and it makes me feel that much better. Just regular people that spend their lives chasing their dreams and granted it being a bit unrealistic it gives me hope that if you keep fighting everyday toward those dreams they just might come true. I may not have the perfect little family like Haley and Nathan and their beautiful little boy Jamie Scott. Or...the perfect romantic relationship like Lucas and Peyton that everyone feels compelled to root for. However, I do have a pretty great life despite the hardships I face everyday. I have a wonderful family and group of friends that care more than anything about me and the messed up life I live. The drama in the show is what keeps me watching I suppose...cant wait to see what happens next...the suspense is the best part! I wont lie. I love it. Re-watching episodes because I simply can and I miss them after watching them 100 hundred times over. Thats the beauty of a TV Series that you own. The ability to watch over and over again if you want too. Lets just say it has the power to save me somedays when I might just need a little saving...

Seems like everytime I leave the house I come home feeling like I was just hit by a mac truck at full speed. My body isnt exactly "ready" to be out there in the world moving around like I want too. It is definitely telling me to slow down and relax for a while. Take it easy. I hate those words...take it easy. No matter how much I want to get back out there and do things everyday I just cant and it kills me. I wish I could. But I need to remember how badly I feel when I try too hard that day...and push it to the max. Because that feeling...is one that I really could live without. In bed by 9pm because I dont feel well enough to hold my head up. Grasping at my legs and arms begging and pleading for the aching pain to stop. Calling mom in the middle of the night to bring down the pills that will make the pain go away if only for a couple of hours...just long enough to fall asleep and hopefully not wake up and feel the hurt inside. My misery is another persons happiness and I try to remind myself of that. Many would kill to feel the way I do because their pain is far worse than mine. That very thought is the only thing keeping me sane sometimes. That and muscle relaxers and morphine. Oh how I hate those....

Have you ever withdrawaled? Shaken so badly you cant seem to stop...insomnia for days on end...anxiety like you wouldnt believe. Literally EVERYTHING around you irritates the holy crap out of you...wanting to punch the wall, a loved one, just about anything within reach. Its miserable. This will be the umteenth time I have experienced this state of misery...and I hate it more and more each time. But...its either that or getting myself hooked on narcotics that I need for a good period of time and then dont need one day but stopping causes these awful things. Yet continuing them without the need is almost worse...Ive seen what drug usage has done to people in my world not to mention the devistation it causes people outside my world as well. I dont want to be that person...hooked on pills because I have access to them at all times. I need to be able to live life in control of it...at all costs. I wont allow myself to fall. I have too many to live clean and healthy for...and most importantly for myself.