Just.Breathe.Again.

Soooo...its been awhile since ive written and I think Im finally ready to start doing so again. Life hasnt been easy the past few months and instead of making excuses Im going to go ahead and say shit happens and life is a bitch sometimes...simply just isnt fair but just the way it is. See I spent the past month asking myself and God why the hell I am put through such difficult times so often and questioning God's love for me. I was so low I needed space from the people I love the most and took myself out of the daily routine I lived and environment I lived in. I got that space and isolation I was looking for in the psych ward at Sacred Heart hospital. There I met some cool people that were dealing with the same thoughts and feelings as I was...I felt like I belonged. It was nice to relate to someone on that level thats for sure. Dr Malik was my psychologist. He thought the best source of treatment for me would be what they call ECT treatments otherwise known as Electro Convulsive Therapy. Basically I am put under with anethesia as I am used too and they hook me up to a whole bunch of monitors and shock the shit out of my brain putting my body into a seisure. They do this because it has been proven in studies that people whom have epilepsy and have these seisures on a regular basis are less likely to become depressed and dont have the chemical imbalance issues that go along with depression. However, this treatment gave me migraines immediately after awakening from them. Everytime. I stopped treatment after the third time because of that. Let me tell you...Id rather be friggen depressed than battle a migraine each time thats for dang sure. Those things are going to be the death of me I tell you. I knew I was prone to them and there was a chance that I would have them after but I wanted to try anyway. Idk if they helped at all but I do know that the alone time and medication regulation did its job well enough to get me on track again. I have moved into my grandparents house in my moms old room and have a better feel of independence here. I feel like that is what I was missing in my life...independence. I love my mom with my whole heart and soul but maybe living with her at my age is too much or maybe I just needed a change in my life? I really dont know...but I do know that I am starting to find myself again. Starting to believe again. In me. In God. In everything. I can breathe normal again. I am taking my medication on a regular basis again. My body is balanced and my sugars are under control. I am starting to get some energy back...slowly but surely. I would like to start going to the gym again...work on losing some more weight again. It will come with time I know. Time is just so damn hard to wait for...im impatient. I am on a much better sleeping schedule however...Gram is great for me. Makes sure I never miss my meds and always on top of me about my diabetes and food intake. She's helping me to remember all these things on my own...and reminding me just how important it is to stay on top of it. I love her. Not to mention living with her and Gramps is entertainment in itself haha. They are funny and keep my spirits up :) I went to the race track with most of the fam last weekend and had a blast...lil cuz Chris won his first ICAR race and Harley drove his new car thats a stick shift all by himself too! Just hotlapped but did very well and we are so proud of him. I love that I can enjoy things again...and I dont need alcohol to do that. Thats another thing I havent done in quite some time...havent touched a drop in 3 months. I dont need parties and being drunk to have a good time...dont get me wrong Ive had my fair share of good times with alcohol but I just need to face facts and realize my body just cant handle it right now. And I dont know if it ever will be able too to be honest...maybe once in a while but not near as much as I used too. I think it also had a lot to do with my depression...I know it didnt help anyway. All in all life is pretty good right now...Im on the road to full recovery and hope to stay that way for some time. As much time and my body allows for anyway...as Lil Wayne says "yeah my lifes a bitch but you know nothin' bout her. ive been to hell and back, i can show you vouchers..."