Day.Of.Rememberance

It was 5:45am when I got the text this morning...I didnt hear it. For once in my stay here I was actually out cold. Now I kind of wish I wasnt this time...it was from my cousin Chris telling me how his great uncle Mel passed away last night in his sleep. Boy was I shocked in every way possible...the man looked healthy to me last I saw him. He was Cameron and Christophers favorite uncle on their moms side and I knew right away this was gonna sting. Heck it stung the hell out of me and I am not related at all. What I do know is he was an amazing man and touched alot of people. He was well known throughout the racing circle in the northwest and anyone who knew him or got the chance to meet him once or twice was a lucky soul. He was very kind and had a great sense of humor. Racing was his hobby and passion in life and he definitely made his mark. The 05 Fever Four will always be remembered and has now become legendary. His death will be mourned with greatness and alot of pride. All I could think about was how this was affecting my two cousins with it being their uncle whom they adored. My heart breaks for them and I hope and pray that they get through this tough time with their family best they can.

Its moments like this that make me sit back and ponder my own life...when great losses happen its eye opening in so many ways. You start to wonder who you are taking for granted and how you can change that immediately. How after every contact you make with each loved one is so very crucial because it just might be the last one made. Its overwhelming and frightening to be completely honest. You really dont know when something is going to happen to a loved one or to you for that matter. It's in Gods hands and that can either put you at peace or frankly make you shit your pants....to be bold. I just know that I am not the healthiest person on the planet and while there are others out there that have is worse off than I do I have deep sadness for those people. I couldnt imagine feeling any worse than I do somedays. The pain...the depression...the irritation...the anxiety. Believe me it all catches up to you at some point. And when those days happen...stear clear of me Im warning you. Haha. Ask Mama...she gets the brunt of me during those days and its not fair to her...I have been working on catching myself while doing it because nobody deserves that. Especially not my Mama. She may be a clutz and reaaaaally know how to put me on the edge sometimes, but after all she is my best friend and takes care of me better than anyone. I love you Mama ♥ and I apologize for taking my frustrations out on you. It's is very hard to live life on a daily basis not knowing what will happen tomorrow...will I have a migraine? will I be infected again? will I have a wonderful day with no problems? So many questions and no immediate answers. Life is an uphill battle for me most days and I am getting quite the workout as I climb but I refuse to quit. I am not a quitter...its not in my blood and I dont know how to. I may get down and at a low point sometimes where Im not sure I can make it but thats what my friends and family are for :) My support group is larger than I could ever hope for and I cant express the gratitude I have for each one of them...

Today has been a day of trial and error...days I loathe. Attempting to get the right amount of pain medicine on board is always a trial. By body happens to be quite immune to most pain relief because of the amount I have had to be on the past two years. I dont respond to most "normal" doses and it frustrates both the doctors and me not getting it right. They always start small and it never works...one would think that my chart would show the multiple failures in that strategy right? Obviously it doesnt or it gets over looked because its the same story everytime. And I am constantly having to suffer until they get it right...its exhausting. I want to go home and be pain free so badly I cant stand it but as of right now...Im not going anywhere until they can control this. I sit here and throb and ache in the most senstive area on a womans body and they stare at me like Im a crazy person. Makes no sense. However I do blame those that abuse the narcotics in todays world. If it werent for them I wouldnt have 10 nurses looking at me wondering whether or not Im for real...my chart however proves otherwise but it still doesnt stop them from thinking that way. Its very insulting and irritating for the patient. Im for real people. Im for real. These tears...are real. The inch gashes in each of my boobs are real. The infected fluid being sucked into Earl...is real. You can see for yourself if you would like an up close and personal view I am not opposed to that. If you know me at all there isnt much I am conservative about...my body at this point is on show and tell almost everyday of my life to a certain extent. I am not shy. If you want to know something about me or actually see something all you need to do is ask...I promise you right now no matter what kind of mood im in I wont deny you access to my personal life. In fact I like telling my story...obviously ;)