Broken.Hearts.Still.Beat.

Well it's February of 2011 and still here I sit, once again, in a hospital bed at Deaconess Medical Center. I cant exactly tell you how many times this has been the case, however I can say that it has been more times than I want to count. This diagnoses on the other hand...is new. Scary. Complicated. Severe. Life threatening. Disturbing. Confusing. Detrimental. & Mind altering. There are so many feelings running through my brain these days it makes sleeping damn near impossible and breathing a work of a marathon runner. Walking to the bathroom 7 ft from my bed is difficult at this point...and that even scares the shit out of me. Literally. Every time my door flies open because the nurse has me on constant monitoring and it flags her immediately when my heart rate jumps to a certain rate. "Are you okay why is ur heart rate up?!?!?!" "Im fine. Just peeing!" haha sort of entertaining yet completely sad at the same time. How did this happen you might ask? So do I. Everyday. Nobody seems to know. Im not really sure that anybody ever will know exactly why things happen to me the way they do and accepting unanswered questions is one of my many frustrations in life. However, I do have a fairly interesting health history and am told I am "a very complicated lady" just about every other day from some new physician that I see. Im used to it you could say. All I know is, right now my most important organ in my body is defective in some way and the doctors nor I could tell you how to go about treating this problem effectively. As usual I have stumped them. This will for sure take some serious brain power and configuration within a few specialists here and there to make some pretty detrimental decisions as to how to save a few more years of my life. When Im asked how I feel about it all...I honestly couldnt tell you yet. Im numb some might say. Just dont really feel anything right now. I think it may be for the best though because it is keeping me stronger and getting me through to the next day without completely losing it. I am not naive enough to think that day will never come along this road, but for now I'd like to sit tight and let it roll.

Funny thing is I came into this hospital back in January and was admitted with a white count of 30K. Normal=4-10k. BUT WE ALL KNOW THATS JUST NOT ME!!! haha. Naw my normal is about 14-16k. I dont have a spleen remember? Yeah so that sucks. But either way...A or B ;)...30k is outrageous. And screams INFECTION somewhere in the body INFECTION! Like a big ass red stoplight flashing in your face...and if you dont see it you are most definitely clinically blind. Back then, in January, I was diagnosed with a serious blood infection that was attacking my whole body in one way or another along with lower left lobe pneumonia. Great. Supposably the infection entered my body through whats called a Hickman Port...which was the catheter inserted into my chest wall that was left there for months from a previous visit "in case" I were to need immediate access if something bad were to happen. My veins suck. IVs infiltrate in a matter of 3o minutes. Not worth the battle. So it seemed legit right? Wrong. It wasnt the fact that it was the access point for the infection, it was the fact that nobody had cared to warn me intensely that it was possible and that leaving in a catheter with that much access could potential damage me further. Knowing everything you do about me...Im sure at least most of you could say confidently "Shay doesnt have a spleen, therefore no immune system." And you arent doctors. You dont see my 1000 page chart any time you please. They do. Yet didnt seem to find it necessary to consider the fact that I may be at a higher risk of infection leaving a direct line out in the open like that...weird. Anyway, after being treated for a week on the only antibiotic I am NOT allergic too yet the most potent one there is out there (vancomycin) I was sent home to recover. Yeah that worked out well...oh and they took out my Hickman Port because obviously it was doing nothing but making things worse and inserted a picc line into my arm. Not new. Very used to those.

Present day, here I sit. Infected yet again. From what? Who the hell knows. My original admission was for the findings of PEs (blood clots) in my lungs. Two large beauities just chillin right there on the ol' breathing machines. Makes it sort of difficult. And painful. So as you can imagine the knowledge of this turning into a much bigger issue such as, oh I dont know, Heart Failure...MIGHT be just a bit overwhelming. Oh and there is a third mass on one of my lungs that has nothing to do with any of this and could possibly be cancerous.

All in a half hour on Tuesday. Lets just say...its beeen ruff. No tears yet. No mental breakdowns. No panic attacks. Like I said. Just numb. And thats okay for me. For now. Hoping to get down to some business today and get a plan in action after these doctors of mine collaborate. That might be nice eh? Just a thought. Or I could just chill here and get to know the other half of the hospital staff that I havent met and or be-friended along my journey here. Made some good buddies I must admit. First name basis and all I am still determined to one day own a wing of this hospital and call it "Shay's Wing of Love" that might be nice? I think so. Someday...

Updates soon. ♥