I.Love.Your.Face

Fuck it. I didnt want to start writing in this blog again because that would mean I was hospitalized with nothing else to do but this...so much for that wish. Here I am again, Deaconess Medical Center room 703, writing in this blog that I was sure was going to be put on hold for a long time...wrong again. However, this visit I am not so unhappy Ive come to realize. After surgery this time I woke up from anesthesia with a whole new attitude on life. Why waste it? Why dwell on the things you cant control and why not be the bigger person about the things you can...there really is no reason for holding a grudge and even though it hurt at the time its the past. Its never gonna come back around for a redo. Thats not how life works. You cant erase time nor can you unhear the cruel things people say or undo the awful actions people take. Everything we do in life has a purpose at some point down the road...we just dont know it at the time. And sometimes it doesnt come back around until much much time has past. That right there can be a blessing or a curse pending the situation. I figure that the more grudges I hold and the more enemies I end up making because of them or because of my stubborn selfish ass the less time I will have to think about the good things in life and what makes me a better person. I do believe that I would rather have less friends that are loyal and kind than more that are fake and inconsiderate. SO instead of evaluating every relationship I have at the moment I have decided to let things fall where they do and hold nothing against anyone at this point. The people that love and appreciate me will go nowhere...the ones that could give two shits less can keep walking and its not really my concern anymore. I dont want friendships that are based on how you rate in this world or who you know. Im not here to further yourself in the standings. I cant worry about myself and how I live my life if I am constantly putting others in front of me. I tend to do this ALOT and find myself wallowing in self pity alot of the time because I give too much to the ones ungrateful. If you know me you know that I struggle at life...in almost every way possible. Its nobodies fault, partially not even mine. There are mistakes I have made in my past that I do wish I would have handled differently or better but I have no regrets either. Every single mistake is a learning experience no matter what the severity....alot of times that is very hard to accept at the time and even harder for the loved ones around you that want better for you. But like I said before, those actions cannot be undone once they have taken place. A strong and independent person has confidence in those mistakes and takes ownership and responsibility for every single action and every single word that exits their body. I respect and confide in those types of people. I attract to them. Simply because that is the person I strive to be every day of my life. My health issues and my daily routine are extensive to some and measly to others. The day I reach out for pity is the same day I become ashamed of myself. There are others in this world that suffer far worse times than I do on a daily basis. I may still be fighting an uphill battle but its nothing I cant overcome each time. And honestly each time it becomes just a bit easier to conquer. Knowing what to expect and having a plan before hand makes it that much less difficult to go to war with. I sit here in this room in my bed nurses come in and out checking my vital signs and making sure I have everything I need to be comfortable with my best friend and biggest pain in my ass sleeping next to me on a cott that she finds more comfy than her own bed...

Ashley Bre-Ann Varner. The past few months have been rough on the both of us. Her mostly. She has a hard time living her life the simplest way possible because simple she is not. Have you ever loved a boy or a man and thought they were going to save you from yourself? That is the only way I can describe my best friend to the fullest extent. I have known this child for many years as our families are very close. Her dads sister married my dads uncle if that makes any sense to you ;) Not technically related but might as well be. It wasnt until this year when racing season started back in the spring when we first started hanging out and getting closer as friends. I soon came to realize just how broken she really is inside and with "saving you" being my nature I attached myself to her immediately. Her parents divorced when she was very young and she has lived her life between them. Being loved is something she longs for the most in her life and is very much loved by many people in both sides of her family. However, she looks for it in all the wrong places. From a boy who cant seem to figure out his own life, from a man who hasnt yet let go of his first love and has no intention of finding another just yet, from boys not yet matured into men, and from men not willing to make the transformation from their youth. She will not find the love she needs in those places and getting her to see that and to realize she is better than that is the tough part. The attention she longs for is deeper than what shows on the surface and once she figures out that she doesnt NEED anything from anyone she will be strong as ever. What she wants and what she needs are very two different things and should not be confused with one another...her loneliness proves that she has convinced herself that without the security of somebody else she cannot function on her own. My goal is to break her of that nasty habit she has developed and help her find herself. Believe me it hasnt been easy and I high doubt its going to be a smooth ride from here on out...but I am 100% willing to take that rollercoaster by the balls and ride it with her until it straightens out. She sleeps with me every night...I make her feel safe. Or so mom says :) But I believe I do as well. She can take naps and be completely confortable by my side where as she goes home and the minute she gets there she realizes shes alone and the depression kicks in. I am more than willing to be her backbone and her major support system but I need to get her to the point where she realizes its not me that she feels safe and comfortable with. She is doing that all on her own...I am just here to make sure she doesnt fall too hard ;) Heres too a few more nights in this hospital room and some more pain and agony for us both...but together we can get through anything I know it.

Shaybaybay ♥ my Hott Mess :)