Friendship.And.Booze

I miss my friends...alot. I miss laughing til I almost pee and being silly because I can and I dont care what anyone thinks about it. I miss having energy to do things and I miss my back not making it so difficult to be on my feet for any amount of time or just plain sitting in one position for a while. Im sick of drugging myself silly just to feel better for 2 hours. I want to go to the gym and join my family in their quest to be healthier...but I just cant find the motivation to go because I hurt so bad all the time. Just going and swimming and sitting in the hot tub is a pain in the ass because getting my suit on takes it out of me. By the time the thing is on my back is in knots and Im worn out from the struggle. I know it seems petty and pathetic but thats what its come down too. Pathetic or not I know my limits and sometimes pushing them to the very extreme just isnt worth the pain. Im not sure why my back is so sore all of a sudden but I do know that it is...and its not just the general pain I used to have from the excess weight I carry either. This is different. More extreme. Sharp. And deep. I cant walk right when its at its worst and one wrong move and im stuck in that position until the spasm stops long enough for me to do so. Sucks. Alot. I want to have more energy in so many different ways. I want to play softball with my family on sunny weekend days. I want to do fun things like that randomly. I want to at least watch them without sitting there in agony. Thats no fun for me or them. I wish I didnt battle so much like I do...but I know thats wishing for something impossible for now. For the time being I am on the slow road to recovery but I must emphesize the word SLOW. I need to stay active to start losing weight again and its hard to do so when I cant get out of bed sometimes. If its not my back its my head. If its not my head its my stomach. I just cant seem to catch a break and its not fair. How much is a person supposed to take before they snap? Before they give up? Before they decide life is too hard and not worth it? I dont want to think about these things because I know I am stronger than them. I know the blood running through my veins is thick and strong and stubborn as all hell. I dont know how to give up when it all comes down to it. So the answers to those questions are worthless to me anyhow. But I cant help but wonder sometimes just simply why? I will never have the answer to that question either. However I dont think its a crime to be curious...to want answers to unanswered prayers. Its okay to wish for things that may not come true realistically. Dreams are a way we as humans keep ourselves sane when things get rough. Forgetting you have dreams is like forgetting to live. I want to keep on living this life I lead battling every single demon I have to the very end because thats exactly who I am...and who I will always be. Even if I slip and fall along the way I somehow always manage to scoop myself back up from that pile of crap I became and mold myself back into the person I want to be. Or dream to be. Things will never come easy and I know that...it's accepting it long term where it becomes hard. I havent touched a drop of alcohol in 4 months now. Not one. Thats a long time for me and Ive finally gotten to the point where I am actually fearful to go there again. I am on so many medications I cannot afford the side affects. I cannot afford to put my body through the "fun" anymore. I used to use alcohol as a coping mechanism...a way to get away from my problems in life and to ignore the fact that I am sick. I am unhealthy. I am not strong enough to tolerate it. I would pretend the way I felt after a night of drinking was just normal hangover symptoms and everybody felt that way...I was in denial. I knew deep down I was fighting it and I knew that the things I was feeling were not normal. That I was slowly and surely making my situation a hundred times worse by doing it. I was killing myself. Truthfully. Its overrated. Its not as important as living. Its not as important as I wanted it to be. And I can have a good time without it. This is completely and utterly easier said than done. In every single way. But I am determined to use my fear for my life to keep myself at a distance. The friends I have will not leave me if they are true. They will not judge me but will support me because my life is more important than intoxication. Those that are there in the end are the important ones...the loved ones...the best ones. Best friends means friends forever...

oh and ps...tomorrow at 2 I see my new psychologist...Dr Anderson. Wish me luck :)