Hosptials.Love.Me

Today is my 26th day at Deaconess Medical Center. I have decided that writing this blog might allow me to express some feeling and maybe gain some hope that tomorrow will be a better day than today. I am healing slowly...thats good news they say. My chest throbs thats all I know...healing or not they hurt. My goal is that maybe someday I will pain be free. It's a realistic goal I think. Someday.

I have a new friend...his name is Dallas and he is my Gund stuffed bear :) I got him from my auntie juju that lives just outside of dallas, tx in ft. worth. So the name is fitting I think. He is so soft and a wonderful cuddler I will keep him forever. I think Bannie is a bit jealous but she will have to make room because Dallas is here to stay! Haha I know I know I am 24 years old and still have a blanket from birth that looks more like a towel now...and a new stuffed bear that I named, but honestly...I dont care. I love them. Thats all that matters to me :)

Doctor Michaels just came to visit me...one of the many hospitalists that I have been assigned...and instead of making me worry and get all upset he actually made my day! You see..usually I am told on Tuesday that they are going to try to wein me off of the dilaudid pain pump onto pain meds orally. Which I have no problem with. However, they dont work. Least the ones I have been trying the past two Tuesdays dont anyway. Doc Michaels is going to try something different he says...instead of Oxycottin for long lasting pain relief he is going to try Morphine. And instead of taking me completely off the pump he plans to slowly reduce the level of medicine I recieve through it at a rate I can tolerate. Once I am able to tolerate the oral meds alone then we can discuss discontinuing the pump all together and in hospital terms that means HOME :)

Home...that word is like heaven to me right now. My own super comfy bed. My amazing couch upstairs. My mama. My pops. My Blayder girl. And the rest of my life is there. I want to go back there and start living it. Sooner than later please. This place has been very good to me...dont get me wrong. But there really is no place like home.

Tali. Amy. Carolyn. Shalina. Emily. Pam. Tim. Carl.
There are so many things I want to do for these people. They have been taking care of me on a daily basis for almost a month now and they deserve so much more than just a thank you I believe. Of course there are others in the mix but these ones stood out. Whether they were a nurse or an aid they never questioned me in one way nor have they made me feel inadiquate for being here and helpless in a lot of ways. I truly appreciate them. All of them. Equally. I have to give a special hollar out to my girl Shalina downstairs in Short Stay however...this fine lady has gotten me through the toughest part of the whole process...the wound vac changes. She is my sedation nurse and without her I really dont know what the hell I would have done. I owe her forever and ever...not to mention shes just straight up bad ass ;)

Having abcesses in my breasts has taught me one thing for sure. Pain is subjective. In every single way possible. It is THE most personl experience anyone could have. Each person is different. A paper cut to me could be as bad as a stab wound to the next person. Pain tolerance is never something to judge. I have learned that whether or not you want to be...you are judged by some. Just because you have been in the same position as somebody else does not mean you know their pain. You absolutely do not. And the last thing a patient wants to hear from their nurse is "you're making it worse than it is, and you need to calm down and not get so worked up"...those words are fighting words. I really dont care how long you have been employed in the medical field...I am throbbing in pain and I want it to stop. Help me and shut up. To be blunt. Lets just say I have experienced alot of pain in my short life so far...more than I like to think about...and this time...is the worst. By far. My poor boobies will never be the same again :(

I do not feel bad for myself though. I refuse too. I have been given this life of struggle for whatever reason that I will not question and dwell on and I have made it my main goal to overcome each battle with my head up and my heart out. My brother taught me that. In fact he has taught me alot of things. Can is a three letter word for Win. Sometimes in order to stand up you must first fall to your knees. How do you spell fun? W I N. haha that one might be a little over the top but no matter what his positive outlook on life is inspiring and motivating and touching. He is my true Hero and I am his biggest fan. In every single way possible. My mother is my best friend in the whole wide world and my father is MY biggest fan. I could not breathe without these three people in my life and I am so grateful to have been born into this family. The genes are worth bragging about. They may have been the cause for my troubles but they sure as hell are worth it. I wouldnt trade them for the world.

"My Gift Is My Burden."